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08 May 2013 @ 08:14 pm
Warning: There are some pretty depressing stuff here. Some suicidal thoughts too.

Hello! As you can see, I have not posted in a long, long while. (Thank you for sticking with me! If you removed me from your f list, I understand.) <3

The main reason for my absence is is that Uni has been horrible. It's so busy but I'm used to that. What I'm not used to is coping with it alone. See, I moved out before college and went to a Uni in a different state with a few friends. Unfortunately, said friends transferred and I was left here by myself. I made some friends but they don't feel right, ya know? There was just something about them that made me wary. And I was right, they did some pretty shady things to me so I excluded myself from everyone. That's my first problem, I think I've lost my ability to trust anyone here. So I haven't talked to anyone since.

But I would've been okay with that. If it didn't get worse.

My brother ran away, my sister got depressed, and suddenly, the only one my parents could trust to be responsible was me. So I studied non-stop and I just stopped feeling. I stopped communicating with anyone (on facebook and everywhere else). When I visited home this January, I could literally feel my sister's disappointment. Because she warned me that if I submit to my parent's will all the time, I'd end up like her. Successful, pretty, and stuck with mental disorders that can kill. She just saw right through my fake smiles and saw my eating disorder, my cuts, and the stress building up in me. She talked to me and I told her everything I've bottled up. I told her that I wanted to die but I couldn't 'cause of our parents and how I promised my brother that I'd be strong for the family before he left. We had a long talk but in the end, she never discouraged me from doing all those bad things to myself and in fact, she praised me for coping. I think we're both broken.

So I went back to Uni, continuing all my bad habits but never going too far. But lately I've been contemplating... is it really worth it that I live through this torture? What if I kill myself now? It would surely end the pain, wouldn't it?

So I'm offering you the chance to stop me. I guess my point is, since I can't find any genuine ones in real life, will you be my friend?

PS: I feel too weird to proofread this. Please just ignore any and all errors.
i feel: depresseddepressed
listening to: my chemical romance
19 December 2024 @ 12:00 am

keyCollapse )
Here I go, losing my control. I'm practicing your name so I could say it to your face, it doesn't feel right to look you in the eye...
i feel: curiouscurious
listening to: Stay; Bic Runga